NAME:   Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX:   Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION:   Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY:   $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:   Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:   Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:   A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:   My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:   It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:   Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:   1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:   Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:   If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:   I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:   I may already be a winner of the Publishers' Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:   On the job - no!   On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:   Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE:   7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.