- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
- I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- Take my advice - I'm not using it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met .
- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
- I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
- Money is the root of all wealth.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.