The Washington Post
has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.
Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish-isms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.