Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

  1. Coffee (n.):   the person upon whom one coughs.

  2. Flabbergasted (adj.):   appalled over how much weight you have gained.

  3. Abdicate (v.):   to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

  4. Esplanade (v.):   to attempt an explanation while drunk.

  5. Willy-nilly (adj.):   impotent.

  6. Negligent (adj.):   describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

  7. Lymph (v.):   to walk with a lisp.

  8. Gargoyle (n.):   olive-flavored mouthwash.

  9. Flatulence (n.):   emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

  10. Balderdash (n.):   a rapidly receding hairline.

  11. Testicle (n.):   a humorous question on an exam.

  12. Rectitude (n.):   the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

  13. Pokemon (n):   a Rastafarian proctologist.

  14. Oyster (n.):   a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish-isms.

  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.):   The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. Circumvent (n.):   an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.