Tuesday, February 14, 2006
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) — Television talk shows took aim Monday at Vice President Dick Cheney's accidental weekend shooting in Texas of a hunting companion. Here are a few of the jokes.
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS
- "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
- "But here is the sad part – before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."
- "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
- "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of
laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC
- "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney
accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."
- "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he
shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."
- "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "
- "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central
- The show's segment titles included "Cheney's Got a Gun," "No. 2 With a Bullet" and "Dead-Eye Dick."
- "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting
veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering.
Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
- "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if
you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of
lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it."
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS
- "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."
- "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it,
it's going to be in the back.' "
- "The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that.
Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."
- "Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."