With apologies to those who are blonde—you can substitute whatever other hair color or feature you like!
A Blonde's Year in Review
||Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
||Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
||Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
||Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out!!
||Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
||Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
||Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
||Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
||The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
||Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
||Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
||Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
Blonde Q & A
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's
the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, suggests to the her, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and relax."
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know." says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out of his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over and asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her drivers license.
The motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then."
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I
wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn
Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The
blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the
first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue
bow around yours."
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons
off while they were playing."
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the
bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've
pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take
the white one!"
Two Texas Sisters
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in Ft. Worth so that they can breed their
own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1.00 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a
few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, '"I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly .... come-for-da-bull."
Painting the porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to
her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right.. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."
Confused, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
A barking dog
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The
blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
Two Blondes with Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Lynn explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end so I throw them away."
Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't Defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot
off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide." the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants.
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' "
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' "
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise.' so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the
clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow!" said the blonde, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from
his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"