Where to live after retirement

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
  • You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
  • You've experienced condensation on your rear end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  • You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
  • You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
  • You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
  • The four seasons are:  tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
  • You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
  • The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  • You know how to eat an artichoke.
  • You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  • When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  • The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...
  • You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  • You think Central Park is 'nature.'
  • You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  • You've worn out a car horn.   (ed note: if you have a car)
  • You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Montana where...
  • You only have four spices:  salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  • Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  • You have more than one recipe for moose.
  • Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  • The four seasons are:  winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
  • You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  • "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
  • "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  • Everyone has 2 first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  • Everything is either 'over yonder,' 'out yonder' or 'in yonder.' It's important to know the difference, too.

You can live in Colorado where...
  • You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
  • You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
  • A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  • The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
  • You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  • Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  • You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
  • You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  • When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
  • You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.   (the "early-bird" special)
  • All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  • Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  • Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  • Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.