Quantas gripe sheets

In case you need a laugh — Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints by Quantas' pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P:   Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S:   Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:   Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:   Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P:   Something loose in cockpit.
S:   Something tightened in cockpit.

P:   Dead bugs on windshield.
S:   Live bugs on back order.

P:   Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:   Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

P:   Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S:   Evidence removed.

P:   DME volume unbelievably loud.
S:   DME volume set to more believable level.

P:   Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S:   That's what friction locks are for.

P:   IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S:   IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P:   Suspected crack in windshield.
S:   Suspect you're right.

P:   Number 3 engine missing.
S:   Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P:   Aircraft handles funny.
S:   Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P:   Target radar hums.
S:   Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P:   Mouse in cockpit.
S:   Cat installed.

And the best one for last--------------

P:   Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S:   Took hammer away from midget.